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December 10, 2006
Littlefield Buys iPods, Phil Collins song for the Homeless
Chattanooga, TN--Dec. 10, 2006-- Mayor Ron Littlefield announced today that on the heels of his successful Hollywood Cure For Homelessness campaign, in which he bought tickets for all homeless persons to the new Will Smith movie "The Pursuit of Happyness", he would be purchasing iPods for all the homeless in Chattanooga.
"I realized that just watching a movie may not be enough," said the mayor known around the world as The Worst Ever. "I'm afraid that the inspiration, warm feelings and knowledge that any homeless person can become a millionaire, just like in the movie, might wear off after a few days. So we are loading Phil Collins' touching homeless anthem, "Another Day in Paradise" onto all the iPods, so that the homeless can be reminded of the fact that they are just a few shirtless job interviews away from financial success!"
"I just love Phil Collins, and I can't tell you how many of his songs have been a deep, deep inspiration to me," said Missy Crutchfield, director of the Office of Empty Gestures and Image Manipulation. "I had considered using that song "Homeless" by Paul Simon, but I wasn't sure what all those Zulu words actually meant. There's a comforting lack of confusion to a Phil Collins lyric, so that's what we went with," Crutchfield babbled. "I've just gotten the Mayor to enhance my budget by a few hundred grand so I can develop a project using construction paper, glue and sparkly glitter that will help show the world that love, movies and music are all we need to end homelessness and hunger...and war! Yay!"
"There's no way that damn Merri Mai Williamson and her stupid facts and logic can compete with this." Littlefield mused. "I may throw in a buttered popcorn and a coke to sweeten the deal--that should really guarantee the success of this project. I've found throughout my career that empty symbolism and blatent emotional manipulation always win out over common sense, thoughtfulness and leadership," Littlefield continued.
When asked if he feared a backlash from those who saw this as a desperate attempt to sway opinion, and a poor substitute for providing details about the Homeless Hilton, it's financing, and indeed the finances involved with the site acquisition, Mayor Littlefield said, "Huh? Didn't you hear me--I'm sending homeless people to a movie! I'm the good guy here! You can't question my motive. In the meeting we had about this, no one could think of a downside. Stop thinking, start feeling!"
When told of the iPod offer, Mr. Robert "Skinny Bob" Smith, a homeless man questioned at the Community Kitchen, said, "I've endured a lot of hard times and humiliation in my years on the street, but never, ever have I had to deal with the insult of a Phil Collins song piped into my head. But I'll take the iPod--I can pawn that thing and live for weeks on the profits."
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| By Billy Blades | 11:19 PM
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